Radical Acceptance in Addiction, Recovery, and Parenting

Amanda Eversmann of Life Process Program, on Radical Acceptance in Addiction, Recovery, and Parenting

I entered on a ten-year addiction because my mother didn’t radically accept me and I accordingly didn’t accept myself.  I had to first learn to accept myself, and also my children. Then I radically accepted my mom.

1. My Upbringing

I remember my childhood fondly. My mom was an 8th grade teacher and taught at the public school next to the Catholic school I attended K-12. My dad worked hard at the Ford motor factory. We were comfortably middle class.

My mom was involved in every activity I did.  She was a Girl Scout leader, Sunday school teacher, classroom volunteer. But she and I have different personalities. We butted heads frequently. She can be pretty intense and I am more laid back… in other words, I’m messy and that drives her crazy. She was constantly trying to get me organized — against my nature.

My mother was the decision maker however. She decided when I would do my homework (immediately after school, before dinner, sitting at the kitchen table), and she always checked it before I could get up. Mistakes were fixed. If my handwriting was messy, I redid the whole thing. Then we would go through my backpack, inspecting for graded papers or teachers’ notes.

My mother didn’t criticize me. She nonetheless always let me know how I could improve “next time.” If I received a 93 on a test, she would ask why I hadn’t scored higher. You might say she was a demanding — albeit loving — taskmaster.

My mother also constantly scheduled social activities for me. If I didn’t have a friend over, she would find something for us to do. I was never bored or unoccupied.

On the other hand, I never learned how to entertain myself. I realize now that I was socially anxious.  My mom nonetheless insisted that I put myself forward. Her philosophy was that we can’t let our fears rule us.

She tried for years to get me to be more like her. At my core I was a “people pleaser” — even people I didn’t know (like the mailman!). But with my mom I fought back… at least I tried. But I never learned how to have healthy arguments because my parents had a very strict rule between them never to argue in front of me. So when I was unhappy about something, I’d get sassy and whiney. Inevitably I’d get in trouble for back talking or being argumentative. I just didn’t know how to express my discontent.

2. My Addiction

I still struggle with the “why” of my addiction. I know my relationship with my mother certainly had an impact on my actions. But I don’t blame anyone but myself for my later choices. I don’t see myself as a victim.

I used drugs as a way to entertain myself without needing to include anyone else. I was able to be by myself and not worry about being bored or making other people happy. I didn’t realize it at the time but I truly enjoyed being able to just “be.”

In the beginning I mainly used drugs alone. It was the first time in my life that I was okay with doing nothing. And, if I was getting high with other people, it allowed me to calm my social anxieties. Drugs were something I had all to myself. I didn’t have to be good enough for my mom, husband, friends or kids.

And — believe it or not — I loved the challenge that came with having an active drug addiction! The “hustle” was an enterprise that I was good at.  I was proud of myself for my hard work and success at keeping myself doped up without getting caught.

As I said, I’m not blaming my mother for my years of drug addiction. I certainly wasn’t abused or traumatized as a child! But I can now distinctly see how the person I was raised to be slotted into the adult who became addicted.

3. My Recovery

Pushing ahead to my “recovery,” I need to say that I broke up with AA and 12-step groups a while ago. For a few years it was like an abusive relationship that I just couldn’t escape. I’d come back to it hoping that things would be better. But every time I would end up disappointed. I finally vowed to leave AA/the steps behind me.

For instance I chose to drink moderately and occasionally smoke marijuana.

Credit where credit is due: AA taught me how not to be an asshole towards other people and the value of having a community. My community now, however, doesn’t consist primarily of recovering drug addicts and AA members.

Perhaps I shared my mother’s perfectionism and elitism to an extent. But when I first “got clean” I was sure that I was superior to those I met in rehab and 12-step meetings.

Then I had an essential revelation. I was sitting in a meeting surrounded by many different types of people. I realized that they were valuable, just like me. A little voice yelled, “STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.”

I radically accepted them. But they didn’t radically accept me.The rooms of AA get very judgemental and their rules (aka “suggestions”) did not align with my new value of radical acceptance. So I had to walk away.

4. Radical Self-Acceptance

All of a sudden a number of things became crystal clear. None of those evaluations mattered. Who cares if I’m better than them? Maybe I am. Most likely I’m not. But either way, what did it matter? In that moment I asked myself, “what truly matters?” I reviewed everything in my life and decided that my husband and our two boys were what mattered most, followed closely by my parents and best friends Kristina and Dan.

If you aren’t one of those people, your opinion of me isn’t really important. It was to them that I owed my best self. Of course, this went against my people-pleaser self. I’m not perfectly independent of others’ opinions — nor should I be. But I strive to be morally independent — to be brave and to accept the consequences of my views.

And so, if I feel that I’m hewing to my genuine values, I’m good. In a word — I became “authentic.” I accept and respect myself when my views differ from the majority’s  — something that clearly arose for me in rehab and AA meetings.

This self-concept, along with practicing meditation, got me through those first months and years of not doing drugs. That also involved learning how to deal with all those feelings about my family and my life that I was using my addiction to avoid.

I was told in 12-step meetings when we spoke about triggers and difficult emotions that we were supposed to say the serenity prayer, call our sponsor, make a gratitude list, stand on our heads and quack like a duck.

This all struck me as frantic and insincere. I thought that instead I could take a few deep breaths and return to the bedrock values centered around family that I had uncovered. Now, looking deep inside myself, I knew in those moments that I was safe and that I was going to be okay.

I was happy, content — even when things didn’t go my way.  At the core of my life, I was surrounded by the people who mean everything to me. I won’t say my happiness depends solely on them. At the same time they are crucial to my happiness.

But the lessons I developed from my own childhood and primary family experience leave me open to reassessments as I live my life and they live theirs.

This whole process morphed into radical self-acceptance. I was no longer ashamed of anything that I was doing or failing to do, with my family and with others.

This clarity and independence extended beyond “recovery.” If I got a bad review at work because I saw things differently from others, I was okay with that. I might be disappointed to displease others. But whereas this would once have been devastating for me, I no longer regard disapproval as an emotional disaster.

Ironically this authenticity has improved my ability to listen to and learn from what others say about me, even when it’s critical. I now actively seek self-improvement.

5. Reversing My Mother’s Approach in Raising My Own Children

I have found true happiness and contentment in my self-acceptance. I model my way of living for my kids by verbalizing my own discovery process. Even during the days when I did drugs, I knew I wanted my kids to grow up differently than I had.

I have never signed them up for activities that didn’t bring us joy — all of “us.” That has meant two things for my parenting. I don’t impose my preferences and values on my children. At the same time, their happiness doesn’t come at the expense of mine. I was willing to make sacrifices, but only to a certain extent.

Meanwhile, I made a point to limit any comments on their performance — in school, projects, art, outside activities, etc. I told them to do their best, but that I had no expectations. The first and most important question was always, “did you have fun?” If they said no, we talked about how they had the power to change their situation.

On a daily basis I told them how much I loved and valued them. I did not argue with them; we had conversations. If they were upset with me, we talked about it. If they misbehaved, we talked about it. Always. Even when those conversations weren’t easy, we had them. Having a “conversation” with a toddler can be a bit one-sided. But we persisted and my children grew up knowing that no discussions were off limits. They knew they could come home from school and tell me about a bad grade because I would accept that.

I have always been clear with them that my main concerns are that they are kind to others and that they are happy.

6. Harm Reduction in Raising Children

As a result of this process, I have honestly never worried about my children and drugs. I have talked to them about drugs their whole lives. My message: if they ever choose to use drugs and to drink, I want them to do so safely. I taught them why someone might choose to do drugs — that there are good reasons (for fun) and not-so-good reasons (to hide their feelings). I taught them why it’s important to always do drugs in the company of people you trust. And most importantly, I taught them to never get behind the wheel of a car after using any substances.

So we did a lot of talking. I have seen over the years that my kids have good values and have become good people. I trust them to make good choices around substance use. And if they don’t, I trust that we’ll work through it together.

I radically accept them.

7. Approaching the World, Life — and My Mom — with Radical Acceptance

At some point I had to accept the fact that my mom and I are totally different people who love each other immensely. Everything she has ever done, she has done out of love for me. I know she means well. But I needed her to know that some things were unacceptable.

After I overcame my addiction I have had intermittent serious conversations with both my parents. Neither of them is good at such conversations. So I know that any potentially uncomfortable inputs I have to make need to be quick and direct. Such conversations are about specific points — not fundamental ways of viewing the world or reorienting our relationship. I just don’t think that’s possible, given who we are, and that’s okay!

This obviously differs from my approach with my children. At the same time I had to accept that my mom is not going to change who she is. Only now I react differently to her inputs. For example, when my mom is upset that my house is a mess, I no longer internalize her opinion and feel guilty. My self-worth no longer requires her approval.

But my love for her is as genuine as it ever has been.  And I am a better person for my radical acceptance of her.

Bio

Amanda Eversmann currently works with the Life Process Program (LPP). She previously interned as a primary counselor at Above and Beyond in Chicago. She has an undergrad degree in psychology and a masters in organization & leadership. She is in the process of obtaining her CADC certification in Illinois. She is married with two sons.

Amanda spent 10 years using drugs addictively. In 2018 she made a decision to “get sober” (while still drinking alcohol). This past year she made a decision to fully embrace harm reduction and the LPP approach, and to no longer use concepts like “sober.”

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