By Tom Horvath, PhD “If we have our own why, we shall get along with almost any how.” -Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, Maxims and Arrows, #12, translated (1954) by Walter Kaufman, originally published 1889. Our Own Why There is a range of “whys” that explain how we behave. We have in-the-moment behaviors like eating (why? “I’m hungry”). As we mature, we also have much longer-term timeframes, such as multi-year educational plans (why? “I want to be an X”), and multi-decade parenting plans (why? “I want to give my children opportunities and an upbringing that I did not get to have”). You can probably recall many examples of how you tolerated discomfort or pain for the sake of a longer-term outcome. I suggest that it is helpful to make a list of these experiences in you...

By Tom Horvath, PhD “We are disturbed not by events, but by our views about them.” - Epictetus, 60-138 CE Bad events happen to all of us. To some of us, they happen to a great extent. Whether we have first-world problems, third-world problems, or something else, our problems focus our attention. We want to solve them. In some cases, solving problems means changing or exiting a situation. In many cases, however, there are no obvious changes or exits to make. What now? These types of problems require a change of “view.” Psychologists and others who help people change their “views” have used many terms to describe what needs to be changed to address these types of problems: perspective perception context viewpoint beliefs point of view interpretation *gui...

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Using My Muscles to Relax My Mind By Tom Horvath, PhD Have you had moments when you believed “I cannot relax” or “I cannot relax unless I use?” Have you then used or drank because it was your best method to relax? Sometimes we do need to relax! The good news is that progressive muscle relaxation is one effective method that can work as well (with some practice) and does not have side effects. Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is over100 years old! There is strong scientific evidence of its effectiveness. It has been applied to anxiety, stress, insomnia, depression, sports performance, and other areas. Edmund Jacobson, a physician, developed the technique and wrote several books about it. You can easily find YouTube videos and other sources (such a...

Amanda Eversmann of Life Process Program, on Radical Acceptance in Addiction, Recovery, and Parenting I entered on a ten-year addiction because my mother didn’t radically accept me and I accordingly didn’t accept myself.  I had to first learn to accept myself, and also my children. Then I radically accepted my mom. 1. My Upbringing I remember my childhood fondly. My mom was an 8th grade teacher and taught at the public school next to the Catholic school I attended K-12. My dad worked hard at the Ford motor factory. We were comfortably middle class. My mom was involved in every activity I did.  She was a Girl Scout leader, Sunday school teacher, classroom volunteer. But she and I have different personalities. We butted heads frequently. She can be pretty intense and I am more lai...

By Tom Horvath, PhD I expect that you know everything I am about to write about. However, I hope this blog will be a useful reminder about life and values. A well-lived life is based on values. We act on values we are not even aware of. However, we know many of them. Becoming even clearer about them is worth the effort. Some ways to accomplish that effort is what I am proposing here. If you find yourself, in some part of your life, uncertain about what to do next, it’s time to think ahead. What is a value you want to be acting on? To help identify this value, ask yourself “big picture” questions. What would I ultimately like to accomplish? How would I like to be remembered? What change seems most important to make? If I could be completely in charge, what would I do? What I ...

By Tom Horvath, PhD How well can I calm myself or energize myself using my own abilities? How much do I need to use a substance for help? Although at times a mild sedative (one drink) or mild stimulant (a cup of coffee) can be a helpful tool, the more we rely on such tools the more our internal abilities diminish (atrophy). Daily low doses of sedatives or stimulants can be helpful. As the doses get higher, problems can emerge. In cases of substantial addictive problems, it is common to see someone bouncing between “downers” and “uppers,” sometimes even multiple times per day. At that level of substance use we can lose all sense that self-regulation can be accomplished by ourselves. None of us may reach the ideal of regulating ourselves entirely from our own resources. However, ...

By Tom Horvath, PhD Boredom is the perception of being under-stimulated. We all have optimal levels of stimulation (some generally want more, some generally less). Whatever your level, when you are not getting enough, you are bored (and when over-stimulated, you may be stressed). Boredom is often considered an undesirable state. However, let’s start with its advantages. If not much is going on in your immediate world, you have time to consider the larger context of your life. It is easy to lose track of what is more important than day-to-day and moment-to-moment issues. If bored you have a moment to consider what is important, rather than just immediate or urgent. When feeling bored you might say, “I’m glad nothing is pressing on me at the moment; I can think about the bigger p...

By Tom Horvath, PhD Regret is the feeling or sense that we did not behave or choose as well as we could have or should have. How many times might we ask ourselves, “why did I ….?” Or, “why didn’t I…?” Not only is it impossible to live life without regrets (who does not make mistakes?), regret appears to be quite common. One study suggested that we might regret nearly 1/3 of our decisions. It makes sense, then, instead of trying to avoid regret, to turn our attention toward coping with regret. Two Types of Regret There seem to be two main types of regret. You might regret falling short on responsibilities to others. When you realize the problem, it may be easy enough to correct your behavior or make amends. On the other hand, do you make a similar effort when you fall short on actin...

By Tom Horvath, PhD, ABPP One of the simplest but most powerful ways to reduce stress is to focus on breathing. Although books have been written on this subject, the following ideas may be a sufficient guide for you. Because we breathe continuously, you will have lots of opportunity to practice! Less is More Perhaps the most important single step to reduce stress is to breathe less, while breathing regularly, through your nose. A deep breath or two can get you started on “breath work,” but after those initial breaths, focus on breathing regularly but more slowly, and with lower volume of air. You are not going to reduce your rate of breathing instantly. However, over the course of many breaths your rate will (probably not entirely smoothly) reduce. With practice you might breathe a...

by Tom Horvath, PhD It seems that almost everyone worries at times. We can think about a problem over and over and not make any progress. Ineffective strategies for worry include telling ourselves to “just stop,” and looking for guarantees or certainty when they are not available. Very little is guaranteed in life, and yet somehow we keep moving forward. Worry can be considered a problem-solving effort that is not working well because we are focused on the wrong parts of the problem. Most problems have aspects that 1) can be dealt with now or cannot be dealt with until later; 2) are under our control or not under our control; and 3) are more important or less important. If you focus your thinking on aspects of a problem that can only be dealt with later, are out of your control, o...