By Tom Horvath, PhD Even if you do not have a specific partner this Valentine's Day, and especially if you do, it’s a great day to engage in relationship enhancing behaviors. You might do something special just for today. In addition to your partner, you could also reach out to someone who is not at all expecting to hear from you (a parent, relative, mentor, friend, etc.): “I know you may not be expecting to hear from me on Valentine’s Day, but when I thought about all the people who mean a lot to me, I realized that thanking you for being you was a great idea. So, I want you to know I appreciate you and am thankful for the role you have played in my life.” Too sappy? Keep in mind that a psychologist wrote it! Any variation that works for you can get the job done. Further, love...

By Tom Horvath, PhD With 2025 now over a week old, we may already be falling short of some of our New Year’s resolutions. Nevertheless, take heart! It is easy to fall into all-or-none thinking about positive change. Please consider the following ideas. Even if you did not make any New Year’s resolutions, you may have thought about self-improvement changes you want to make. The beginning of the year is an obvious time to do so. To the extent you did such thinking (or do it now!), you have acted on step one: identifying a desired change. What actions now make sense? This part is often complicated, but the principle of “small steps” can be very helpful. This may be a time to investigate, experiment, inquire, consult, and otherwise gather information. Keeping mental notes of what y...

By Tom Horvath, PhD, ABPP Although many of us have warm memories about Thanksgiving spent with family and friends, there may be some painful memories as well. If you're looking for tips on coping with Thanksgiving, and the problems that might arise, consider the following goals: If avoiding squabbles is your goal, can you sit on your own opinions for one day? Say nothing, or say “I don’t agree with these ideas, but this isn’t the time or place to discuss them.” Repeat “this isn’t the time or place” as needed. If your goal is not drinking, or drinking less, you might need some preparation. Will a family member or two be “in the know” and support you? If you are likely to be asked questions (“why are you not drinking?”) do you have an honest but not necessarily revealing ans...

By Tom Horvath, PhD Although you can embark on a new habit at any time of year, the New Year remains a popular starting time! Here are some suggestions on how to maximize your project. Decide whether to start small or start “big.” Even though your end point may evolve over time, decide at the beginning what your endpoint is (and write it down). If you start small, build over time. What is the smallest step you are confident you can consistently take? Then wait until that pattern is well established and add another step. This approach may be more realistic and comfortable than starting big. If you start big you will definitely need to prepare in advance. Do you have the items you need (e.g., exercise clothes, a new shopping list, a well-practiced breathing technique that you ...

By Tom Horvath, PhD The Thanksgiving dinner table will provide many opportunities for conversation, and perhaps nearly as many opportunities for disagreements and fights. That level of tension can easily motivate us to overuse substances! Let’s look at some ways to prevent the tension from getting that high. Tips for Listening at Thanksgiving Is it essential that you provide your opinion? If you are talking with someone whose opinion (based on your experience with them) is unlikely to be open to examination, stating your different opinion will likely not lead to a meaningful conversation, and could lead to a fight. Instead, you could say “You have very strong feelings on this subject.” If someone holds forth at length (and perhaps in a way you have already listened to before...

By Tom Horvath, PhD With Halloween parties starting this weekend, the holiday season begins. That season will continue through Thanksgiving, multiple holiday celebrations near the end of the year, New Years, and then on to the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day. Including work, family, and other social events, you could be invited to a dozen or more events during the holiday season. If you are intending to stop or reduce your substance use, especially alcohol, for the next 3-4 months your work is cut out for you! I often feel especially sympathetic for someone who aims to start such a project at just this time. On the other hand, when next year arrives, you will have been through it already, and perhaps won’t dread the holiday season when it arrives. What might you keep in mind to ...

Boundaries are difficult. Figuring out what your own wants, needs, and limits are can sometimes be hard enough. And then we must figure out a way to communicate our wants, needs and limits to someone else who may have a history of pushing them. Now add on top of that the stress, overwhelm, and sometimes chaotic nature of the holiday season, and it makes sense that this time of year is one of the hardest in terms of setting and maintaining boundaries.   If you have a family member, or loved one who is struggling with substance abuse, or additional mental health disorders that may be affecting the way that they show up- setting boundaries during the holidays is essential. Sometimes it can be difficult to hold space for the awareness of your loved one’s struggle with substance a...

by Thaddeus Camlin, PsyD Sparks do not burst from a vacuum, they are incandescent blasts from intense heat and friction.  The famous Christmas Carol ‘Feliz Navidad’ was back in the headlines recently celebrating its 50th anniversary.  Most stories talked about the song-writing process of its creator, José Feliciano, as one of magical ease, a spark of hope and inspiration.  The magical spark storyline fits, given that 'Feliz Navidad' contains only 19 words, was written in ten minutes, and recorded in one take.  What is missed in the magical story of Feliz Navidad’s inception is the backdrop of toil, perseverance, sacrifice, and hardship in the life of the songwriter that constituted the rich soil from which the Christmas Carol gem burst forth. Feliciano was born in Puerto Rico in 1...

By Thaddeus Camlin, PsyD Holidays are ripe with tales of family gatherings gone sour.  Many families anticipate disruptive antics from at least one family member, maybe more.  As the beloved Lion King character, Zazu, memorably proclaimed about rabble-rousing kin, there’s one in every family, two in mine actually!  Whether there are one, two, or 10 family rascals to navigate this holiday season, SMART Recovery offers effective tips for family communication to help maximize enjoyable interactions with loved ones. The SMART acronym PIUS outlines four core communication skills.  The ‘P’ stands for positive communication.  Before anyone jumps to ‘captain obvious’ critiques about how much of a no-brainer it is to try to communicate positively, let’s take more than a passing, dismis...

by Thaddeus Camlin, PsyD Gratitude tends to be hard-earned.  When life’s complexities converge and we endure a series of painful complications, gratitude may seem like a fool’s errand at precisely the time when it is most needed.  Thanksgiving reminds us, no matter our circumstances, to pause and appreciate.  Nestled amidst a global pandemic, this iteration of our annual holiday of thanks may be a strange and creative version of our usual traditions.  The felt experience of true gratitude may be elusive amidst uniquely trying times.  What follows are some considerations for how to cultivate gratitude for Thanksgiving 2020 (spoiler alert: it's a not a matter of '5 easy ways to be grateful,' there are no shortcuts or drive-thru paths to true gratitude). Gratitude is not the most nat...