What are your sources of pleasure? By Tom Horvath, PhD If you’ve had addictive problems, you may easily recall experiences (with substances or activities) that you found intensely pleasurable. Addictive behavior can provide that! However, regardless of how much you are still having that type of experience, you can understand and appreciate yourself much better by examining the other sources of pleasure in your life. A daily review of them is useful. That review could happen at any time, but doing so as you fall asleep is a good way to end the day with a sense of pride and gratitude. What experiences from your day stand out to you? You may be surprised at what you discover. Here are some questions to consider in that review. How much did you enjoy sensory experience today? S...

Amanda Eversmann of Life Process Program, on Radical Acceptance in Addiction, Recovery, and Parenting I entered on a ten-year addiction because my mother didn’t radically accept me and I accordingly didn’t accept myself.  I had to first learn to accept myself, and also my children. Then I radically accepted my mom. 1. My Upbringing I remember my childhood fondly. My mom was an 8th grade teacher and taught at the public school next to the Catholic school I attended K-12. My dad worked hard at the Ford motor factory. We were comfortably middle class. My mom was involved in every activity I did.  She was a Girl Scout leader, Sunday school teacher, classroom volunteer. But she and I have different personalities. We butted heads frequently. She can be pretty intense and I am more lai...

By Tom Horvath, PhD Whether we think about them or not, our lives are an ongoing answer to “big questions:” What is important to me? Who is important to me? How important is my health and longevity? What is fun? What is most satisfying? What contribution (if any) do I want to make to the world (or some part of it)? What would I like to be remembered for, and by whom? Identifying Big Life questions The list of questions just stated is not definitive. You get to choose your own questions! It is often helpful, however, to learn about the big questions (the “God, man, and the universe” questions) that others have. For many of us much of the time, it is very easy to get caught up in short-term answers to these questions. We can focus on what and who is important right now, what is fu...

By Tom Horvath, PhD I expect that you know everything I am about to write about. However, I hope this blog will be a useful reminder about life and values. A well-lived life is based on values. We act on values we are not even aware of. However, we know many of them. Becoming even clearer about them is worth the effort. Some ways to accomplish that effort is what I am proposing here. If you find yourself, in some part of your life, uncertain about what to do next, it’s time to think ahead. What is a value you want to be acting on? To help identify this value, ask yourself “big picture” questions. What would I ultimately like to accomplish? How would I like to be remembered? What change seems most important to make? If I could be completely in charge, what would I do? What I ...

By Tom Horvath, PhD How well can I calm myself or energize myself using my own abilities? How much do I need to use a substance for help? Although at times a mild sedative (one drink) or mild stimulant (a cup of coffee) can be a helpful tool, the more we rely on such tools the more our internal abilities diminish (atrophy). Daily low doses of sedatives or stimulants can be helpful. As the doses get higher, problems can emerge. In cases of substantial addictive problems, it is common to see someone bouncing between “downers” and “uppers,” sometimes even multiple times per day. At that level of substance use we can lose all sense that self-regulation can be accomplished by ourselves. None of us may reach the ideal of regulating ourselves entirely from our own resources. However, ...

by A. Tom Horvath, Ph.D., ABPP It is an old idea that we need to balance both ends of a polarity to have a good life. Over 2,000 years ago Aristotle suggested that using the mid-point between two extremes would be a sensible guide for behavior. For instance, the courage polarity has recklessness (acting without taking risk into consideration) at one end, and cowardice (being so afraid that you do not act at all) at the other. The mid-point, courage involves doing what needs to be done, even if you are afraid. There are many examples of balancing a polarity. Getting to balance involves moving to the center from both extremes. However, some polarities do not fit this pattern. On what I am terming an expanding polarity we want to move toward both ends of the polarity simultaneously. ...

By Tom Horvath, PhD This blog will focus less on physical skills (like playing the piano or hitting a baseball) and more on “psychological skills” like being assertive. Physical and psychological skills are not entirely distinct. Your body will need to play its part in a psychological skill. For instance, you would need to say “no thanks, I’m not interested in that” with your mouth. The physical skills needed to accomplish a psychological skill are typically already well known to you. You just need to use them! Without further ado, let's take a look at practicing psychological skills. Practicing Psychological Skills #1: Interpersonal Skills Nevertheless, the physical aspect of a psychological skill can be a good place to start. To stay with our example, you could practice sayin...

By Tom Horvath, PhD Regret is the feeling or sense that we did not behave or choose as well as we could have or should have. How many times might we ask ourselves, “why did I ….?” Or, “why didn’t I…?” Not only is it impossible to live life without regrets (who does not make mistakes?), regret appears to be quite common. One study suggested that we might regret nearly 1/3 of our decisions. It makes sense, then, instead of trying to avoid regret, to turn our attention toward coping with regret. Two Types of Regret There seem to be two main types of regret. You might regret falling short on responsibilities to others. When you realize the problem, it may be easy enough to correct your behavior or make amends. On the other hand, do you make a similar effort when you fall short on actin...

By Tom Horvath, PhD, ABPP One of the simplest but most powerful ways to reduce stress is to focus on breathing. Although books have been written on this subject, the following ideas may be a sufficient guide for you. Because we breathe continuously, you will have lots of opportunity to practice! Less is More Perhaps the most important single step to reduce stress is to breathe less, while breathing regularly, through your nose. A deep breath or two can get you started on “breath work,” but after those initial breaths, focus on breathing regularly but more slowly, and with lower volume of air. You are not going to reduce your rate of breathing instantly. However, over the course of many breaths your rate will (probably not entirely smoothly) reduce. With practice you might breathe a...

by Tom Horvath, PhD It seems that almost everyone worries at times. We can think about a problem over and over and not make any progress. Ineffective strategies for worry include telling ourselves to “just stop,” and looking for guarantees or certainty when they are not available. Very little is guaranteed in life, and yet somehow we keep moving forward. Worry can be considered a problem-solving effort that is not working well because we are focused on the wrong parts of the problem. Most problems have aspects that 1) can be dealt with now or cannot be dealt with until later; 2) are under our control or not under our control; and 3) are more important or less important. If you focus your thinking on aspects of a problem that can only be dealt with later, are out of your control, o...